Spot and address the warning signs of a relationship that’s in trouble

With the summer months approaching, it might not seem like the time to bring up unromantic statistics. But the fact remains that at least half of all couples will ultimately go their separate ways.

What drives couples to break up may surprise you. It’s not always because partners don’t invest sufficient emotional capital in their relationship; often, it’s because they don’t spend enough time and energy on their own personal growth. Here are five of the top reasons, according to relationship experts, why so many pairings end up in splitsville:

1. You don’t challenge each other.
Unconditional love doesn’t mean unthinking acceptance of everything and anything your partner does. Healthy relationships require a mutual willingness to challenge and be challenged. If your partner lounges around in their bathrobe watching TV all day and you say nothing, then you’re not truly invested in their well-being. Maybe they’re depressed. Maybe they’re sick. Regardless, the message that they get loud and clear from your silence is that you don’t care about or believe in them.

2. You and your partner have morphed into one.
Becoming an item doesn’t mean becoming two people with the same interests, hobbies, and friends. If you and your partner do everything together, something’s wrong. If your partner isn’t allowed to have a life of their own, they’ll eventually become resentful. Similarly, if you’re over-interested in their life, wanting to know or be involved in every detail, they’ll feel smothered. True intimacy requires two people leading interdependent lives, not two people living through each other.

3. One person selflessly lives for the other.
Stacy selflessly devoted herself to her surgeon husband, Bernard. She supported him through medical school. She stayed home and raised the kids. She prepared gourmet meals for him. Then, one day, Bernard left Stacy for a dishevelled photojournalist whom many of his friends considered a nag. He found her interesting, whereas he thought of his wife as a bore. Gratitude for services rendered is no replacement for a stimulating partner. By failing to cultivate a life of her own, Stacy deprived Bernard and herself of that.

4. Everything centers on your children.
It’s easy to succumb to the temptation to make your kids the center of the universe. Don’t. For too many parents, running kids to and from soccer practice, dance lessons, and weekend parties becomes an insidious dance of intimacy avoidance. There will one day come a time when your kids grow up and leave home and you and your partner will still be there with a relationship to work on. More to the point, you’ll still be there. So devote at least as much energy to your personal growth and to the ongoing health of your relationship with your partner as you do to the social life of your kids.

5. You never talk.
Does the question “How was your day?” unleash a monologue, a laundry list of activities, or a cacophony of complaints from you or your partner? If so, you’re missing the point of communication: it’s about feelings, not information. Instead of merely reporting what happened to you that day, tell your partner how it made you feel. Even if you have only 10 minutes to talk, make those 10 minutes count. Remember: communication — not sex — is the beating heart of intimacy.

Building a relationship that lasts
Most of these warning signs are variations on a common theme: abandonment. If you don’t care enough to become an interesting partner, if you don’t challenge your partner to “be all they can be,” if you fail to connect with your partner emotionally, you’re better suited as roommates than soul mates.

‘What can you do to build a relationship that stands the test of time? The answer can be summed up in three words: get a life.’

So what can you do to build a relationship that stands the test of time? The answer can be summed up in three words: get a life.

Set goals and work toward them. Immerse yourself in a career or activity that interests you, instead of zigzagging from one random activity to another. Have a vision of what you want your life to be and do something every day in pursuit of that vision.

Take some risks and — even if it causes some temporary discomfort — challenge your partner to do the same. A healthy relationship isn’t about comfort zones and the status quo. If you settle for comfort, your relationship will never grow.

Finally, seek to create a rich, rewarding life for yourself so that even if you and your partner do split up, you’ll be equipped to cope. Relationships hold no guarantees. The only person you can count on to always be there is you. And if you do end up enjoying a loving, lasting relationship with someone else, then all the more power to you both.

This article was brought to you by Mental Health Pros